I’m so ready for things to start looking up. I’m tired of all this negative bullshit. I’m ready to be happy. I’m so fucking ready
I just don’t understand. I feel so naive and confused. Like I’m three years old again and I’m hiding behind this massive tv stand as my brother is holding me, both of our eyes pealed on our parents, taking in enough but not enough to know that one of us was going to have to pack our bag and leave with her that night and the other would stay. tears streaming down without the idea that we were in fact watching the finale of our parent’s relationship. oh how love can go. How manipulating it can become. As if we all have the comfort of the solid love a family will never fail to give. As if. This shouldn’t be new to me. It isn’t new to me. So why is it all of a sudden such a shock? Have I really not learned this lesson yet? This is almost good news. Of course, not the circumstances. But I love the confusion it brought to me. That I still believed there was good in someone. That I’m confused that there wasn’t. That I expected it. That I found myself one last time. Only to feel the same sad confusion that lead me straight to where I am now.
I don’t know what to feel and I don’t know what to do. This room is so damn crowded and there’s no one else inside. I’m exploding with every thought, every word I try to spit out. I’m drowning within myself and there’s nothing I can do. I’ve lost myself so deeply. I’ve obliterated all hope possibly left. I’m addicted to this sadness with no desire of it to fill me any longer. It is past my skin and past my bones, withered away in the pit of my mind which has found a way to consume the rest. So that is what is left. That is it. A pit of pure hell. It consumes me so deeply and unreasonably. The more I think of trying to escape the more pathetic I feel. The more weak I feel. I fall farther down and farther into this god damn abyss of bullshit and reckless self destruction.
And no one cares enough to listen, or stick around, or just understand. We are all so deeply fucked with ourselves. There is no room for others. No matter how much you say there is you know there is not because you are just as consumed as I am in this. Just tell me I am important. Make me feel like I am worth something the way that I can’t. We are half of what we are and the halves are split in half. Where is this suppose to go. I was so peacefully non-existent 16 years ago, where did my rest go. I was so at ease I knew nothing. I need to feel ease just one more time. And let it last forever.
I think that I just have really terrible luck with boys and my friends
they will forever be more interested in them than in me.
watch me get engaged and left at the altar for one of my friends
lol
that will be the last straw
but hey the way things are going it’s definitely possible
hey i told my friends that i miss them today!!! sort of idk they might of not taken it seriously but im dying haha
