I think I might start writing again.

Real writing.

Putting myself down.

Ink and paper. 

Or maybe just pressing some keys down until I’m dry.

Maybe that’s what went wrong.

I stopped writing.

I stopped letting things out. Until I convinced myself that I couldn’t.

That it was a bad idea. That it made things worse.

And today is a nice day. It put my bad mood away for a little while.

It even took my thoughts away from her for a little while.

I walked out and felt serene. Just for a second.

But I think that was enough. 

Maybe I’ll sleep tonight.

Maybe I’ll sleep now.

Maybe I’ll waste this beautiful day. 

Turn myself into my nightmares.

Then I’ll wake up into another one.

Maybe they’ll kill me again.

We’ll just have to see. 

Today is nice.

It won’t last.

I feel hated. Constantly. Like I’m never living up to expectations. And I tell myself to not care. That it doesn’t matter. But it’s eating me alive. And I hate myself. I really fucking hate myself. And it’s so fucking pathetic that I rather be dead.

I’m crumbling down. I’m doing it to myself. I’m letting it all get to me. And it’s so god damn pathetic. Fuck all of this shit. Fuck it all. Kill myself. Kill myself. Kill myself. I have something to live for. Do I? Kill myself. Prosper in life. Kill myself. Stay conscious. Kill myself. Ignorant fucks. Kill myself. Fuck you. Kill myself. Hypocrites. Kill myself. Such a pathetic piece of shit. Kill myself. Kill myself. I can’t fucking stand any of these people. Kill myself. Try harder. Kill myself. Accept them. Kill myself. Fuck them. Kill myself. What is there left to fucking do. Kill myself.

Stop hoping he’ll be something good. Stop. Stop. Get it out of your mind. Please don’t do this. Just let it go. Stop keeping your hopes up. I’m fucking begging you. 

Why are you going to keep on trying.

There is no interest towards you.

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. 

He likes her more. 

So shut the fuck up and don’t be a pussy about it. 

You’ve gotten this far without it. 

You’ll be fine. 

Nothing has changed.

Just fucking stop

I have never had the urge to cry at school. Ever. I’ve cried in school once after my friend committed suicide. That’s it. And today I almost lost it. I had to fight it back for 2 hours at the end of the day. It’s like it all hit me. I’m alone. I’m better alone but I don’t want to be. But they hurt me. So why not. If learning to be alone means no more expectations and disappointment then okay. I’ll let it go. I’ll let him go. You can have him. I’ll stop trying. I don’t know why I thought I could in the first place. I don’t know why just for a fucking second I thought I could maybe turn things around. Allow myself to be happy. To confide in someone. To actually want to be with someone. How idiotic of me. How could I ever let myself want something so good like that. 

I have a best friend. I think. I really care about her but sometimes I feel like she secretly hates me. I feel like I cause a lot of tension between her and her family. And I feel like I just need to back off completely from their lives. I didn’t mean to get this involved. I just wanted to help. I had no bad intentions but to be honest it’s really bringing me down. I love her so much though. As if she were my sister. And I don’t know if the best thing is to back off or stay in her life. Her parents hate me and blame me for the way she is. They yell at her when she lets me borrow clothes, and refuse to see that I let her keep the new things that I buy because it makes me happy that she likes them. And I know how important it makes her feel when she dresses nicely. I’ve been her friend for around 6 years and I think I just got pushed way too far into her family problems and I wish we could just go back to being normal girly-talking friends that have good times. But now I just feel like she hates me. All the time. Like I’m being blamed for everything that’s going on. Whatever I did I didn’t mean to do it. I was just trying to help.. but I fucked up somehow? It’s a really big burden to carry. And I feel so heavy and unstable. sigh. I hate caring for people more than they care for me. That’s why I hate everyone. But I could never hate her. She means too much to me.